TTPMO: Ugly cars

In today's installment of Things That Piss Me Off, we'll examine an aesthetic pet peeve: ugly cars. While the Apple fangirl in me hates bad design in all forms, for some reason the hatred is particularly acute when directed at cars. There are a few reasons for this. One is that they cost so damn much, and anything with that kind of price tag should be able to stand up to a little extra scrutiny. Also, cars have to pass through so many different hands before reaching the market --- advertising execs, focus groups, engineers, presumably a designer or two --- that any ugliness should have been eliminated long before I see the thing driving around on the New Jersey Turnpike. To put the same point another way, if I do see an ugly car driving around on the New Jersey Turnpike, it's because a large number of people decided that they wanted it to look like that. It's ugly on purpose.

Finally, I would like to dedicate today's post to my good friend and former roommate Derek, who is possibly the only person more obsessed with this topic than I am. Seriously, the guy could go on for hours about bad taillights. And as we all know, nothing kills a car's aesthetics more quickly than bad taillights. (Editor's note: Not really.)

Let's take a look at some of the worst offenders, shall we?

The PT Cruiser

I know that some people are nuts about this car, but I just don't see it. What the heck is this trying to be? What's up with that grille? And why does it look like the bastard child of a 30s airplane and a tractor trailer? Also, its headlight placement makes it look cross-eyed. I hate that.

The Chevrolet HHR
It gets worse. Rather than rebelling against this offense to good taste, as all sane people should, the geniuses over at Chevrolet tried to copy the design. Seriously? Not only that, they ended up somehow making it look even uglier, which is saying something.

At least the actual PT Cruiser had originality going for it. And, when pressed, I'll admit that there may in some ways be something a little cool about its sleek lines. But the Chevy designers, in their infinite wisdom, made it squarer, squatter, and dumber-looking. Way to go, guys!

The Toyota FJ Cruiser
Note to car designers: Do not name your care anything with the word "cruiser" in it. Recipe for disaster. Just look at this thing:

This is an especially shocking entry on this list since it comes from Toyota, which is usually in the business of making sensible, decent-looking vehicles. Maybe they thought that they'd accumulated enough pretty-car karma to make up for this travesty? I can find no other way to explain why they thought it would be a good idea to release a car that looks like it's been made out of Legos. And have you seen the taillights?

Ugh. Get this bug-eyed beast off my highways.

The Honda Element
Again, a hideous mistake from a company that should know better. Lest you think that this is just a sweet, albeit square, family car, take a look at the siding. It's plastic. It looks like you should cut a hole in the bottom so your six-year-old can stick his feet out and run around the driveway.

Why they wanted to draw attention to the fact that they skimped on proper car materials is beyond me.

To be fair, the newer models have replaced the plastic with...well, with plastic, but it looks like metal. Anyway, it's gotten better, and I should probably take it off the list, if it weren't for the fact that the original version was so egregiously gross.

The Pontiac Aztek
No wonder Pontiac is in the toilet. Honestly, who came up with this car? Was it designed by committee? A committee of ten-year olds? All of whom were drunk?

I don't even know where to start. It's making my eyes bleed. And it gets worse from behind:

What is up with that rearview? Did someone's uncle get a special on glass and they had to use as much of it as possible? Is this so that when you throw the bodies in the trunk, they can have a nice view?

What's almost crazier to me than the fact that they manufactured this thing is that people actually bought them. Yes, people actually paid good money for these, and then seemed to be unashamed to be seen in them in public. Oh, the humanity!

I could go on in this vein for quite a while, but I will content myself with just one more entry in my Ugly Car Hall of Fame:

The Mercedes G-Class

This one just kills me. It's trying to look like a Jeep or a Land Rover or some other tough, sporty, off-road vehicle --- but it's a fucking Mercedes. You're not fooling anyone, G-Class. Plus, you're ugly. Take your ball and go home.

Well, that's all for today. You will no doubt have noticed that all of these cars are of fairly modern vintage. That was to keep things focused; believe me, I have some choice words about the cars of yesteryear as well (I'm lookin' at you, Edsel). You will also no doubt have noticed that what makes these cars ugly is purely what meets the eye. But there are lots of things about cars that make them ugly other than their appearance. I haven't even gotten to venting my spleen on hideous gas-guzzlers (epitomized by the Hummer), overly expensive wastes of space (Porsche makes an SUV?), or other automotive disasters that seem to exist for the sole purpose of allowing their owners to wave their dicks around (too many to name). Those, of course, will have to wait for another entry.