One of those days

It's been one of those days. You know the kind I mean. It's not that anything has gone wrong, exactly, it's just that nothing has managed to go right. I tried a new study design on my preschool subjects this morning and they completely failed it. A really good symposium proposal was rejected from an important conference. My paper was rejected from a high-ranking journal and now I have a ton of work to do in order to re-submit it somewhere else. I woke up alone this morning because I spent the night at an anonymous hotel in Somerset so that I could be closer to the office in the morning. I left my lunch in the fridge at said hotel and didn't manage to get anything to eat until nearly 3:30. My car is completely out of gas and probably won't run the next time I need it. I was stuck at the office until 7:00, and then had to drive an hour and a half to get home. I need a beer. I need a hug. I need to crawl under a blanket and curl up and tell the world to go away.

The trouble isn't so much all of these trivial insults to my pride and sanity. The trouble is me. I've had days that were much worse but that I was able to handle much better. But today, for some reason, it's been extra hard for me to cope. Maybe it's the lack of support: I didn't see Michael all day, and there was no one around the office for me to commiserate with. Or maybe it's that I've been feeling unsure about my chosen career lately because of the uncertainty with the job market, and all of these rejections are playing on my fears. Whatever it is, I'm feeling very morose this evening. Beaten down. Dejected. Did I mention that I need a hug?

Unfortunately, when I'm feeling like this, there's very little that can help pull me out of it. The usual words of comfort sound like hollow platitudes and only serve to make me more bitter: "Don't worry." "It will all be OK." "You're going to be fine." "It will all work out for the best." The people telling me these things mean only the best, but can't they understand how shallow they sound?

Luckily, I still have just enough grounding to believe them, to believe that everything will be OK, to believe that the setbacks (if indeed they are) are just temporary. And just as luckily, I have a little time and space tonight to regroup and work through it. I've also cleared my schedule so that I can go to yoga in the morning, and that always helps to take the edge off, whether because of the workout endorphins or the deep breathing or the focusing of energy, it doesn't matter. I just have to keep reminding myself to stay strong and not to deny the sadness I'm feeling now, but at the same to let it pass through me, to refuse to let it define me.

What helps me the most at times like these is to think about what Gandalf says to Frodo in The Fellowship of the Ring. Cheesy though that sounds, there's something in his words that soothes me. As Gandalf himself would say, that is an encouraging thought.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.