TTPMO: Jeggings, clarified

So I guess it wasn't quite enough said yesterday, because I'm back on the same topic.

Here's the deal: People need to figure out that there are some things that they can wear, and some things that they just can't.

Don't believe me? Photographic evidence coming up.

see more Poorly Dressed


see more Poorly Dressed


see more Poorly Dressed

Really, this shouldn't be that hard. There are two basic rules: Dress your age. Dress your weight. Simple, right? Is it really that hard to look in the mirror and figure out that you shouldn't try to stuff your lard butt into that Speedo? Is it really that hard to look at the calendar and realize that you probably aren't the target demographic for Victoria's Secret Pink?

Once you've mastered that, we can get more subtle. Like the fact that plaid doesn't go with polka dots, or that fact that there's never a reason to wear that hideous shade of green, or the fact that high-top sneakers went out of fashion sometime in the late Middle Ages. But these are subtle issues, which are clearly beyond some people's mental capacities.

see more Poorly Dressed


see more Poorly Dressed

Yes, if you've got it, flaunt it. And yes, sometimes you do need to muster up a little confidence to wear something that seems a bit daring for you. I'm all for that. I recognize that it's a fine line between "believe in yourself" and "eye bleach" --- but good Lord, there is a line. The rest of us would very much appreciate it if you could stay on the right side of it, and not walk around wearing a bubblegum pink velour tracksuit with little kittens embroidered on it if you're a candidate for Botox.

And finally, there are some things that no one should wear, which brings us to the title of today's entry. Jeggings, for those of you fortunate enough not to have encountered these abominations against all that is good and holy, are the mutant child of jeans and leggings. Why? I dunno, because the '80s weren't traumatically skin-tight enough the first time around? Because skinny jeans have been co-opted by the emo kids? Because people needed something new to stuff into their Uggs? Because I really need to walk around the world being assaulted by camel toe? Your guess is as good as mine. They piss me off. Make them go away --- now.