You think being back from Australia for over three weeks is going to prevent me from ranting blogging about it? Seriously, people, this is me we're talking about.
Here, then, for your reading pleasure, is a random collection of things that I noticed about Australia, which I urgently need to share with the world. Yet another a truism about travel: Things out there are different than things over here. Some things that are different aren't really worth mentioning, since they're clearly that way due to British colonialism: driving on the left, using the metric system, adding the letter "u" in the middle of words where it doesn't belong ("colour"? Come on.). But some other things...well, read on.
- The whole system of waiting tables in restaurants is entirely different. At least in the majority of places that aren't super-fancy, waiters don't have particular tables or zones assigned to them, so they all are responsible for covering the whole restaurant. The reason for this is likely the fact that waiters are actually paid a decent living wage in Australia and don't have to work for tips, like they do here, so they're not as reliant on making nice to the customers. That said, the effect of this system is to make the service extremely erratic. So you can be seated at your table by one person, wait 15 solid minutes to be brought a menu, and then have three different people come up in the course of thirty seconds asking if you've placed your order yet. Sigh.
- Some phone numbers have 8 digits. Some have 6 digits. WTF?
- Everyone (at least in Canberra) is in denial about the fact that it gets cold in the winter. I mean, it's not Boston, but it does get down below freezing at night for a few months a year. But there's no insulation anywhere, no seals around the doors, no double-glazed windows, no proper heating, and you're expected to hang out outdoors at all hours under propane-powered heat lamps that don't work worth a damn. Wait, I get it, I'm in northern California!
- Some words have s's at the end that shouldn't (maths). Some words don't have s's at the end that should (sport). Maybe s's are migratory?
- Smoking ads, and ads in general, are much much much more graphic than in the US. For example, cigarette packages have pictures of actual atrophied limbs and gross gangrene-infected toes. And there are huge signs over the shelves where the cigarettes are sold saying things like, "It's time to quit smoking while you still have a chance," and "Smoking leads to death. Stop smoking." Not that this does any good, but you've got to applaud the effort. There's also this classy ad I saw on the homepage of the Sydney Morning Herald: It was advertising a new erectile dysfunction drug, and it featured a downward-turned banana, slowly spinning until it curved upwards, along with the text, "Your doctor can point you in the right direction."
- The news here is awful. I mean, the news itself is fine, but the news shows on ABC-TV or whatever, as well as most of the newspapers, are terrible at reporting it. They spend maybe 5 minutes recapping world events, plus 2 minutes or so on local events (3 if the prime minister has done something particularly stupid), followed by 25 minutes or so on sports (sorry, sport). And the morning news shows are even worse. They're pretty much just nonstop infomercials for various travel companies and hair care products, sprinkled with the occasional celebrity gossip. Don't believe me? Check out the afore-mentioned homepage of the Sydney Morning Herald for some truly Pulitzer-worthy reporting on the hot issues of the day.
- More on sport. (Hey, that's all they talk about so that's what I'm going to talk about.) There's soccer, of course, which in Australia is called "soccer." Fun fact: The world cup Australia team is the Socceroos. Isn't that precious? But hang on one bloody minute here. Why is it called soccer when every sane country on earth calls it football, including Mother England? Because, dear readers, like our own beloved country, Australia has a different game that it calls football: Australian Rules Football, or AFL, or Ozzie Rules, or just plain "footy." This game it has the dubious distinction of making even less sense than American football, and quite possibly even less sense than the other two games that Austalians are gaga about, namely rugby and cricket. I've watched a few minutes here and there on the telly, and it mostly looks like people running into each other at high speed and balls being kicked long distances, where more people run into each other in an attempt to catch said ball. The fun part is that there are no pads, no helmets, no offside rules, and hardly any penalties. According to that source of all knowledge, wikipedia, there are also no set positions, and balls cannot ever be thrown (one of the few game-stopping penalties is apparently actually throwing the ball, as opposed to kicking it or bumping it around). In defense (er, defence) of the game, I should add that Ozzie Rules players make for rather fine examples of wholesome, buffed, Australian beefcake. Which is just fine with me. Go team!
- They use A4 paper. Okay, that happens. But. The computer guy at ANU changed my default printer settings to take this into account, so I had to re-format all of the documents that I started while I was there so they wouldn't be squished. Argh.
- As in England, what we call French fries are called chips, and what we call (potato) chips are called crisps. Okay, that makes a certain amount of sense. However, the chips come in all sorts of flavors...no, I mean all sorts of flavors. Like Thai chicken, and steak, and bacon, and hamburger. Seriously, hamburger-flavored potato chips. I have just one thing to say: Ew.
- There's a bomb-threat checklist. On campus at ANU. In the women's bathroom.
- Some reflections on light switches: Here, light switches go up to turn the light on and down to turn it off. This, to me, seems logical, and I'm going to argue that it's logical not just because it's what I'm used to, but because humans tend associate positive with up and negative with down. Think about the way this is codified in our language. When things are going well, we say they're looking up, or on the up and up; when things are going badly, we say they went south, or downhill. Good scores are generally higher than bad scores, not lower. (Golf is an unfortunate exception.) When we feel good, we stand up tall; when we feel bad, we slump to the ground. When we flip the switch up, the light goes on; when we flip the switch down, it goes off. Okay, so it's a little Whorfian, but I don't think it's necessarily crazy. Compare the up/down issue with driving on the left vs. driving on the right, which is entirely arbitrary. The point? In Australia, flipping the switch up turns the light off, and flipping it down turns it on. It drove me absolutely crazy.
- Things in Australia are hairier than they have a right to be. Consider, if you will, Australian spiders. This is a funnel-web, which, in addition to being hideous ugly, is also hideously poisonous.
Or, consider Australian trees, like the yellow wattle:
I think that one might get away with being merely fuzzy, rather than hairy. Well, there's always the banksia:
And, of course, there are Australian philosophers. Here's Kim Sterelny, again:
and David Chalmers:
I rest my case. Hairbrushes all around!
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